Total ECLIPSE of HEART: CONFESSION to my SECRET CRUSH

Usually I don’t have a feeling of deep natural affinity with anyone or anything apart from my best buddy or my beloved brother unless you are a cheese burst pizza, paani puri,  tandoori momos, liquor dark chocolates, coconut water, elephant ride or my CRUSH!

The symposium, Plato presents story about soul mates. It states that humans originally had four arms, four legs and a single head made of two faces (here two faces have nothing to do with modern outlook of people with double standards). It is said that humans had great strength at that time and threatened to conquer the angels by their lightning (as they had done with titans). Zeus developed a creative solution by splitting the human into half as punishment to humanity’s pride.  Each human, now have to search for his/her other half of soul. It is said that, when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that.

I personally believe you find that one; when you leave all the logics and calculations at bay: which your head has to offer. You get swayed by the knock at the door of your heart, your subconscious (the innocent ) mind surpasses all the barriers of right/wrong, possible/impossible, ethical/unethical; indeed you are dragged like a magnet’s opposite corner, to its electromagnetic field, as it makes you complete.

Whenever he (TAMATAR) speaks (sings more though) on call, I absorb him all through my senses. I feel as if he is sitting right next to me, his breath with the lyrics, falling on my forehead while he attempts to sing….going down onto my cheek, tickling my nape of neck, and finally playing the melody over my ear drum. My fingers run through his hair, moving down to his shoulder, embracing him…my feet over his, and it makes me dance on his tune. All the stars fall to my ceiling, making my room brighter, their fire spotlights my love for him. I speak a lot, but with him: I wish to hear much, the more he speaks, the more he dwells into my imagination. He has not only conquered my heart but he  signatured my veins carrying my blood! Every time the blood rushes to heart, with each beat it reminds me of his presence. You can find several definitions of ecstasy in dictionaries; this one is mine, how! I define this term exclusively when I am with him. I don’t know if the time travel is possible through photon theories, but his travel to my soul begins every time he takes my name.

I have no clue where I am walking and where I am going, but going without knowing is the biggest adventure! He seems to be the drug I am addicted to. Intelligence is seductive! Calmness is a turn on for me (I might be fierce situationally, but fire is not extinguished with other fire container, fire gets extinguished with water/ ice, he is my ice bucket challenge :P )

 And when I was in process of identifying my feelings I fell into a pothole. He is good, and humble and everything, but, he is universal source of love to anyone and everyone seeking it. I am not “special” to sing with or call with loving “gestures”, this is part of his personality, this is how he usually deals with all the female pals, he bump into. I was almost about to confess how much I miss him and what he really means to me, probably I wanted to get tied into a bond with him forever, because my soul really responds to him, and I have never felt such connectivity to anyone. It is raining outside and inside as well! Not only my eyes but my heart is tearing apart as well. My heart says to stay still and wait for the right time to ask it for once and all but my head is really rude, it says why you wish to lose your self-worth to someone who considers you worthless. And like all shown in melodramatic movies, I am losing appetite (not weight though, my weight is so static that it can make a world record of never giving up), and he has made me insomniac from several nights by now.

I don’t get the logic; why LIVER has to suffer when we have a TIFF between HEAD and HEART. And if, by any chance the HEART conquers the fight, the eyes have to pay the water billsL (Dr. William H. Frey II  ;a biochemist at St. Paul-Ramsay Medical Center at Minnesota discovered, emotional tears contain more of protein based hormones, prolactin, adrenocoticotropin hormone, and leucine enkephalin{ natural pain killer}, so when you have a good cry, your body gets rid of these chemicals and you feel relieved).

Tears are very well cleaning my eyes but doing nothing beyond that. All I have to do is, put on the plastic smile, greet people around me and consider all what emotional turmoil happened as a dream phase. Like I have sleeping for few days continuously, and now I am wide awake (I can’t be sleeping for always unless I am dead). Dear crush (addressing you as my love is more appropriate though), I am not a perfecto, not a beauty queen, or someone with super powers to conquer all walks of life. But I had a very innocent and pure heart to be offered to you. You have kicked it off unknowingly and it is bruised very badly, I have no idea how can I repair or fix it back (no cardiologist can help me for this). 

I wanted to  live my rest half life with you, till we get tired of dancing on your music, till I make you my master chef ( I know, you know nothing about cooking, but together we can create a masterpiece),till our bones start giving away ( though calcium sandos and nutralite can be the savior), till your teeth ditch the denture (a girl with dimple cant loose teeth, else it will spoil her asset ), till I let you win all the battles ( but I won’t let you win the race to death, I can’t breathe in your absence, technically I should stop breathing before you), and till you see your twins (musicians) growing as parents. Okay! I imagine a lot, but you are part of my beginning and ending to it.

All I can offer you now: best wishes and a positive vibes for your brighter future J

With love

Your love

Passionate Troublemaker!

DREAM is a WISH your HEART makes ~ Cinderella (Disney)

 The categorization taught to us when we were kids: "living beings", "non-living beings" seems incomplete to me. I strongly believe we need to rectify it and compile one essential division, the third category "DREAMERS".
Yes i am a DREAMER, unlike the tradition of living beings, more than hemoglobin to carry my oxygen, i need a dose of dream to keep me alive. But i am COWARD when it comes to putting plans into actions. I get inspired by what Kangana Ranaut dared to do at the age of 16, what made Virat Kohli score a centuray for ranji at 18 right after the cremation ceremony of his dad, what took Vidya Balan, not to loose her courage after being expelled by 8 movies at once( being called jinx), she did not took a backseat. They all moved ahead, with head held high.

        There haters turned there lovers, there discourage-rs turned there fans, there family called them their pride. Nobody shouts at you; when you are a shining star, they accumulate your shine and light up there houses.

       Apart from being DREAMER, we have nothing in common. I have layers of fear upon me, relative to fate, uncertainty, family's pride, society ("log kya kahenge" has killed more dreams than anything else in this world) and yes with social pressure of wedding probabilty, i have a tagline easily vomit-able by anyone to me "arey ab tu kuch ajeeb karegi to tujhse kaun shaadi karega". LOL, first of all, these self acclaimed social police needs to understand, i need not to bribe a guy to marry me, i need not to mob floors to make a guy marry me, i need not to stay in Abaya to prove my etiquette in order to convince a guy to marry me. Being out of the box is being Different, being different is being myself, then why do i have to grill myself under self-identity crisis.... just because i am a DREAMER?
Luckily,I got to meet a random stranger few days back (who is no more a stranger indeed,and the ones who used to be my close buddies ain't close anymore, strange! isn't it? ), though he disagrees upon me on several issues, but we have a common thought here: the world is made up of tiniest particles called electrons, protons and neurons; we made a special category for people like me "MORONS". Indeed, he understands all the noises underneath my silence, my emotions through multimedia emoticons and therefore he recommended, that i should be following  "Shri Bhagwat Geeta" as he believed in its eternal power of healing and guiding.
Benefit of being a DREAMER: whenever you read or hear any audio/visual, your imagination starts running as an integral part of your neuronal circuit. The chapter one of the holy book introduced me to Lord Krishna and his disciple Arjuna. Arjuna was on battlefield, and when he overlooked the ground, he got to know, if he has to win, he has to defeat his own guru, relatives and ;loved ones. I was the Arjuna here, my eyes did not read beyond the line " i have to keep my weapons down, i cant see the blood of my loved ones taking me to the ownership of my kingdom". I saw my self imaginatively standing at the door step of my home, pulled down by emotions :constantly urging me not to move ahead. I was somehow bowing down to my situations. Being answerable to the social circle of my family and extended family members, the immediate neighbors, the not so immediate and not so pleasant neighbors who might make vague stories if i crossed the boundaries, even the street dogs who were eyeing my each move each day wont stop barking at me if i made any mistake in their opinion! After all, it is all about the difference of opinion, if it shall match to their expectations, i am the best, if i don't live up to what they expect, i am the worst. There is no other way of settlement for them. But then Lord Krishna told Arjuna,( and it seemed he was saying it to me) "Karmanya vadhikaraste, ma phaleshu kada chana". It means, do your deeds, you have been granted this life to fulfill a purpose, fulfill the desires of your destiny, you have to work for it, irrespective of worrying about the results. If you shall be fearful of the tides ahead, you shall never dare to swim cross the ocean. And that was the moment i could see myself with swords and other weapons (dreams) held up again with desire to go ahead on the battlefield. Yes, it took patience, intelligence, strategy, and logicial approach for Arjuna to defy the CHAKRA, though i don't want to mislead myself with fake reassurances that i have all of them. But unless you try, you never know how strong you are. Sometimes trying is as important as Winning the battle. After reading that very page of the holy book i was in state of Ecstasy as if i drugged some pain reliever. I could feel the rush of positivity and self belief with-in once again. All the arguments and voices in my head were fainting, i could feel as if Lord Krishna himself walked by me and told me to go ahead and explore the world the way i want. There are no limitations to me now apart from the one's i set for myself. After-all, "you play to win the idea of loosing". I am really sure of one thing now,if i couldn't be a good example, i shall at-least end up being a GOOD WARNING :)
Thank you friend for awakening my creepy and over-worried soul, to more charged, channelized and meaningful energy ;by introducing me to Shri Bhagwat Geeta. Thank you dear brain for your imaginative tacts which lead me to a meaningful conclusion :)

                                 PASSIONATE TROUBLEMAKER (JAZMYNE)